Three Months Later

It has been three months since returning home from Indiana as a Full-Time Missionary. In that time I've found two jobs working as a lifeguard and a reception hostess, I've enrolled in school with a college algebra course, I've decided to change the major I've wanted for the last 7 years to what I'm not sure yet, been on TWO dates, gone on two trips to St. George, UT and Lincoln City, OR.

In that time I've discovered I have a lot of issues. I miss my mission terribly so. I want to go back and do things over again. All of it. I guess every missionary feels that way at some point and it has taken a bit of convincing for me to truly understand what I was meant to learn as a Missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's taken time but I think I'm now at peace with it. I made my fair share of mistakes as well as haven't been the most obedient missionary in the world. I'll admit it. I'll gladly admit it. But I feel now as I've become a Youth Mission Prep teacher for my stake that I have worth and value and I can make a difference in the next generation. They can learn from my mistakes as well as my successes how to become effect teachers as they receive calls and explore the world that our Father in Heaven has given to us.

And we are so blessed! I'm blessed because I have three other teachers with me who are faithful young men going through similar trials and struggles. and we've taught on all corners of the globe! My state-side experience helps connect to teaching in English and understanding something simply to teach the blessed souls of Indiana. I'm so thankful I had that experience! One brother served in Mexico, another served in Japan, and the last served in Denmark! How crazy is that?!

It goes to show that the Gospel is the same, no matter what language we speak. The Spirit of the Lord testifies of ALL truth. Not just the truths we can hear!!! The Spirit was so so strong today as we taught the Restoration in UNISON as a motley crew of RM companions called to serve in a new way. :) Helping the next generation of missionaries. What a wonderful feeling!

Three of my companions returned home on Wednesday. These wonderful young women inspired me and have helped me grow in crazy ways I never thought could be possible. I love them all so much and am still learning to love them more. It was hard. Don't get me wrong. Missions are agonizing at times when all you want to do is sleep but you need to pray for these blessed souls you are teaching, it's torment talking to strangers that have the choice to be rude to you and reject your message of love or choose to follow their Savior enter the waters of baptism, it's frustrating when you and your companion don't see eye to eye and can't get along to save your lives let alone anyone else's soul, it's heartbreaking to see people walk away from their covenants from fear or sorrow or anger and leave what they know to be good, it's joyous to watch your loved ones make that commitment and be baptized, and no word can describe the feeling knowing you completed the time you gave up and return to your family or walk off that plane knowing you served a mission with your heart.

I feel I have served with my heart. And while my heart may still fear that the people I have come to love don't love me or have forgotten me because I was what I call a Fixer and don't think I was very memorable, I still love them. I know good things will come. Maybe not even until the next life. But I know they come and I know they will be worth it. These blessings will come. I have already received some.

I know that God lives and loves us. It's up to us to follow Him however we may feel so inclined to follow. He gives us that gift. He knows we will use it well. I know the plan He has in store for me is good and real and right. I know things may be bad. But I know they get better. I have a long journey ahead of me of actually facing my fears and conquering them and actually saying I haven't failed my mission. Right now I feel I have. But it's getting better. I can see my work is in the Lord's hands as he helps the people I have loved continue to love this Gospel. I love this Gospel. And even Returned Missionaries still doubt and fear and hope and pray and fight to find what is true and real and right. I would know. I'm one of them.

Love always,
Alli

The Fighting RM